It’s funny how we seem to judge each other on how well we know bible verses or bible stories or books of the bible. I know I’ve used his against others — either because they knew too little or too much compared to myself. It’s funny because it doesn’t really matter — which is so much easier to write than to believe. But it doesn’t matter, really.

So what does matter?

Does it matter how much I involve God in my life — through prayer and conversation and worship? Maybe.

And maybe that’s where my dependence on the bible, that I’m just now realizing by the way, comes from. I still struggle with prayer. A lot.

This makes me avoid it. Which is really hard to admit.

I feel guilty for avoiding it and so I continually make plans for “getting myself back on track”. Plans for setting aside time for prayer. I imagine how it would look and feel. And yet…something, an unknown, keeps me from actually doing it. I put so much mental and emotional effort into the planning and the excuses that I never give myself the chance to be in prayer. I forget that I could be praying right now…where I am and how I am. I forget that there isn’t a wrong way to pray. I need to stop planning and start doing.

Why is that so hard?

I want to pray. I want to pray for people — for the joys and concerns heard in bible study sessions. For my friends and family. For myself. My life. My hopes. My fears. My dreams. My faith.

So what’s stopping me?

I’m afraid of the answer to this question.

Who am I to be teaching middle schoolers about God and faith when I can’t even pray alone in my room?

Not sure I have the answers to all this right now. Hopefully I’ll pray about it soon.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope. When you call out to me and come to me in prayer’ I will hear your prayers. When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you. If you seek me with all your heart and soul, I will make myself available to you. … I will bring you back to he place from which I exiled you.”

Jeremiah 29:11-14


About stepanana

just a girl writing about life through this lens.....
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