On Halloween, I find it appropriate to lay out one of my fears — get it out there so I can just deal with it already.
Spirituality scares me.
Of course, I’m not supposed to be saying this. I’ve considered myself a Christian for my entire life, I’m baptized in the Christian faith … I’m even in seminary and currently serving a church.
Still. It scares me.
After attending a spiritual retreat last weekend — I have found myself learning towards more spiritual thoughts in class, bible study, church, and in everyday conversation. And sometimes I don’t even know who I am when I hear myself saying it. It seems that there is an intellectual and spiritual battle happening within me that I don’t seem to have much control over.
Why is this?
Why is it that I associate spirituality with feeling queasy? Why does my internal radar sound off when I hear myself telling people that they might need to pray about something? Why do I feel like justifying myself and rationalizing things away when I approach the Scripture with a spiritual question that sparks an unprecedented conversation in our bible study?
All these questions are ones that I’ve been wrestling with lately … and I wonder if you’ve ever felt the same?
Felt like intellect has taken over.
Like logic and reason dominant your thoughts.
Like feelings are out of reach and abstract.
It has been suggested to me that I replace the word ‘scary’ when associating it with spirituality with the word ‘awe’. Does this make a difference?
What might it look like if instead of scared … I felt in awe?
Awe that I might not have to make all the rationales for the way the world is …
Awe that I’m not in charge…
Awe that I’m able to surrender…
so, which is it? Awe-struck wonder …. or scary spirituality?